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Beautiful · Soup
a lovely way to pass the time and rot the mind
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Sometimes I feel like I'm mourning everything that's ever been lost. Lost not only to myself, but to everyone. But that's not what this is about. I look at pictures and think, did I do right? Did I do right even by me? Sometimes I don't know. Most of the time the knowledge that I've done, always done what's needed to be done, makes me bright and I'm proud of the choices I made, the person I am. Other times, when I reflect deeply, there are ripples of uncertianty there. Maybe it's the loss of security; I don't 'mourn' it. I don't know what you'd call it. I don't know if there's a word for it. Maybe it's just seeing change as something blatantly significant that does it. When you look back, change isn't like it is on an everyday basis. It's not clever and creeping. It just stares at you. People grow up, and not as slowly as you might think. Groups of people who were once so tight knit drift apart. New friends are made, new social groups are formed. And the cycle just starts again. Nothing is static. But that's not what I like to think about. There are the images of my past. When I look at them it brings a sort of sadness. The thing that dispels this select sort of sadness is remembering how things really were. Photographs tend to gloss the past over, give it a nice, clean finish. Who takes pictures of the fights? The disharmonies? I suppose that's one of the things that aids in the forgetting, how we really only remember good things. Grudges are forgotten, vendettas cease. The fact that everything changes just might drive me insane. Being able to control these changes is my saving grace. Delirium: What is that thing...ummm....that lets you know that time is passing?
Dream: Change.
Current Mood: |
 thoughtful | |
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I wondered today how much ketchup it would take to fill an entire bathtub. Then I wondered what one would do with such a thing. Then I thought how that would be one sparkly bathtub once the ketchup was gone. I think I'm changing, or have been for a long time. The world treats me differently now, and , speaking rationally, it's more likey that just I have changed. It's very unlikely that the entire world changed while I stayed the same and watched. The people started acting funny a few months ago. They say the oddest things. Mom says this is flrting. I never notice these things until the person is a good 25 feet away, walking the other direction, and I realize I said something to frighten them away, and I stare in stunned silence until I can't see them anymore.
How does one flirt? What is that, anyhow? All my relationships, including the current one, were accomplished by clever scheming. If I have flirted, I don't think it was intentional.
It would be easier and less awkward if people said things like, 'I find you to be a reasonably attractive human. May I sit and talk with you a while?' I find that I like Regina Spektor lately. It's funny that I do. Sometimes the things she does with her voice annoy me, but then again I like the Sex Pistols well enough. Same thing. I can't really remember who my friends on here are. I think about, and care about Nick more than I admit to myself, and more than I like. It unnerves me not to be able to accurately gauge someone elses emotions, especially in realtion to me. To be frank, I don't like the powerlessness it makes me feel. I wish I at least knew that the helpless what reciprocated. It drives me insane. I think I'm about done getting the sludge out of my mind.
Current Mood: |
 floored |
Current Music: |
Regina Spektor | |
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I realized that I havn't posted on lj in a very long time. I was thinking that for some unknown reason, I want to rant online a while in a place where no one will really look. Squid kibbles.
Suddenly I've lost the desire to write. Arrgh.
What is that? |
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I am feeling very miffed. I want to vomit. Katie = goo. That is all.
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 infuriated | |
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I just read over a comment made a while back on this journal which was very rude. I wouldn't want to eat the rude people, just send them away, even though I do have a crush on Dr. Lecter. I remember my reaction to this comment, and how completely absurd it was. This particular comment does not contain one single ounce of truth. Now that I look back, I find it sort of funny and sad. Maybe I'll show it to other people so they can laugh, too. it's good that I am able to read my previous entires and for the most part know what the things were which I alluded to in my own life. I'm tired. As a side note, I came home today and Stileno had pissed on one of my favorite pajamas. The word 'angry' does not describe the feeling....... how about disrespect?
Current Mood: |
 tired | |
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All my base are belong to Joey?
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 spinning | |
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 Yeah...... a safe place for this. |
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Dear Katie, Thank you for applying to the Part-Time Sales Teammate (3981) position. Please know that we have reviewed your application and qualifications. However,
you were not selected for the position. We truly appreciate your interest in the Buckle and we wish you success in your
job search. Sincerely, Buckle Recruiting Team This is an automated email; please do not reply to this email address.
Current Location: |
home |
Current Mood: |
pessimistic |
Current Music: |
sounds of my dryer- Vol II, the colored clothes | |
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If it has to do with the diploma,I don't care right now. It had to do with the diploma. Crap. AAAAAAAARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! They left without me. I'm really bitter right now. They left the house this morning, went out, ate breakfast, and left me sleeping like the fool I am.
I'm angry. They usually wake me up.
Oh, but you know what they did bring me? A job application from Panera! Not food, a fucking job application that has spots of food on it. I'm fucking pissed. I'm going back to my room.
Current Mood: |
pissed off | |
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I mean, it wasn't intended, even though it was still hurtful. I didn't want to hear about it, but somehow I needed to. I just feel like finding a/that stripper and ripping the parts that touched my boyfriend right out of her in the slowest, most painful way imaginable. I'm cranky, and at the moment I don't care about much anything else.
Current Mood: |
sad | |
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I've made that little leap into accepting that there are people I wil just never like. I don't have a reason; I just don't.
Maybe my future won't be filled so much with these people.
Or maybe I'll just learn to love and repect myself like I should. |
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I realize that many of the intensely creative and brilliant people I know are swallowed up in video games. What is the connection here? Does it explain my distaste for those ugly little boxes which people would kill to have? Darren, my brother, Acacia and others. What would I be if I could do what I want? Where would I be?
I so badly wanted to take a picture of that old man......but I was never able to. I think he might have died. I've never seen him since.
The beehive woman I have seen, just not lately. Over a month, perhaps? But she was in better health, so I'll trust to that. I've been a bad girl.... I went for five days without my medicine. I once again realize that without it I can't control my moods, my interactions, or my wants, but I ooze creativity and can create beauty. With the medicine comes control, but a decrease in my art.
Some of the greatest people in history had the very same problem that I take medication for. When the medicade runs out, I probably (might) not take it anymore. Will I be great then? Or will I be too lost in my own distortions? Cynthia and Dave have such high hopes for me,but I question daily the fact that I could be anything but mediocre and minimally successful. I don't know about any of these things. Darren is dissapointed in me that I don't like video games. I really don't play them, and he puzzles over this. This is the only problem I've seen.
And that he is in no way shape or form a nature person.
We work through it.
The medicine keeps me sane in my relationships as well. When my mood swings downward I'm not throwing things because the ramen tastes bad and I'm sick of eating it. I'm not crying in the bathroom because I can't eat at the pizza joint or go see a movie. I'm not laying face-down on the sofa because I can't find a reason not to. |
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WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH YES WE DO! WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, AND WE'LL BE TRUE! WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE! WE LOVE YOU CONRAD, YES WE DO! pbbh. teen idolotry. |
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My family hates me. Am I supposted to live for me or for them? Would they rather me follow their path, getting pregnant and living as a junkie, or in prison? How is it possible that I feel so bad about doing what I think is the right thing? Aunt Karen accuses me of doing this to my Mother. Does she even consider what the family has done to me? Allison had me scrubbing toilets with a wash rag at 10 years old,as well as scrubbing dishes with my finger nails; Aunt Karen didn't do it, butshe didn't stop it either. She's just as much to blame. Why can't I just have something good without having to pay horribly? It isn't my fault! I don't deserve to live like this! I just want a good life. That's all. I want to go to college and get a degree, then work at a jobI like, maybe travel, and raise a family. It doesn't seem like too much to ask, but now I just don't know. I want my familyto love and support me. HOw can they love me? They don't even know me! It's the reason they can treat me the way they do. I love my Mother. I don't mean to hurt her, but I have to do what's right for me. I want to live with her again, I want to have my life back. After I get out of school I could live in an apartment with her for a few years, but no one gives me time to say so! I can't do anything right. I can't do anything that won't cause me to have to sacrafice.
Mom says everyone has to make sacrafices. Well, I've made sacrafices! I think I sould be done making sacrafices!
I feel likeI should just curl up and die. It would make it easier.
Maybe I should've died in the hospital in December. I wouldn't be a problem to anyone then.
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Current Mood: |
cold | |
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I'm sorry for my excessive filth. I cannot help myself. I am a sorry sap of a girl, boiling in sweat and grit. I'm sinking down. Silly me; I've always known I couldn't float. Mom is gone, Tigger is gone. I'm left here. Every morning, every night, I think about nothing. There's nothing there. My new room is bright and shiney, light colors and sunlight in the day. I feel that it's made for another girl, and perhaps I'm clumsily invading the world in which she belongs. But it makes me sick to wallow. I know I need to eat. It's one of those times that I can tell I need food not because my stomach is making noises, but because of the acid I can feel rolling inside.
I am completely disinterested in it. Dave got the idea that I'm angry at him because I was so quiet. It's just me; I have sense enough to tell he's not angry with me. I'm not hungry. I can't sleep for more than a few hours at a time. Sleep is never restful, but just a way to pass the time. I think Darren might be making me something to eat. I suppose I'll have to eat it, then. Erinn, I am sorry for being such a worm. I know it irks you. Words. Wrods. Worsd
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nothing | |
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My eyes hurt right now....... it's probably because of my bad habit of not blinking while on the computer. I'm procrastinating. Yay! I hate this stupid paper. Hate it, hate it, hate it. It needs to go away, because no one likes it. And I hope I hurt its feelings, because it deserves it for being so stupid and making me write it. I found out that I can be independent in two years.......maybe even one. I'm going to try. I can go through program and become a surgical technician, which is 30,000 a year, starting. Not a bad salary, especially for just me to support. Once I get settled, maybe I'll go into a cardio 2 year. The human heart interests me.
It excites me to no end that I will have complete control over my own life and money in just a few short years. I can get all those fancy letters after my name, too.
Current Location: |
Darren's house |
Current Mood: |
tired |
Current Music: |
air conditioner | |
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Demdeon is a cool word. I discovered it as a typo in one of my reaction papers. |
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The person two computers down from me needs to be slapped, but I'm too tired. Fucker. Steal my computer, will you..... Joe really likes me, which is cool. She's really awesome. Yesterday she took me shopping and bought me a pair of pants and a shirt. Darren didn't like going accept for the part when we were looking at lingerie and trying on clothes. SO Mom got a credit card in my name.........which I'm really pissed about. She could ruin my life before it even starts. The first missed payment means I cut the credit card in half and call the company. I won't stand for it. Bad credit is part of the reason we have such a difficult time finding places to live.
Can't this problem just evaporate? It makes me geniunely scared. |
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Have you ever wished you could beat the stupid out of somebody? Damn! Shut up! Take it with some dignity! Get the fuck out of my world! I didn't invite you! I invited him! So go away! I do feel pity, but because I would take it differently it is less than I probably should.
Current Mood: |
contemplative | |
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little_one89's journal